What to be Expecting when She's Expecting - Part 1: That All-Important Pee - Mariana

What to be Expecting when She's Expecting - Part 1: That All-Important Pee

Any saga which starts with a woman enthusiastically peeing on a stick is bound to be an interesting one to follow up close.  You see, women don't tend to pee on sticks as a general rule, nor do they tend to peer obsessively at whatever they piss on. Nor do they usually jump up and down, cry, kiss and hug in glee if their pee has left the desired "mark"......  And most definitely no woman would make a habit of peeing on anything and then storing it in her bedside table, only to take it out a dozen times a day to smile at it and shed a few happy tears at it.

Now let's take the whole process step by step: taking a pregnancy test is no straightforward accomplishment.  It is about the most complicated pee a woman will ever produce.  It has to be an early morning pee, so that six o'clock in the morning will find her stumbling to the bathroom because she absolutely needs 'to go'.  She'll have to position her watch strategically on the sink, hold the strip in one shaking hand and, still sleepy-eyed, make the pee stream and white strip meet for a perfectly-timed thirty seconds,  all the while keeping a blurry eye on her watch and shaking all over in anticipation.  Of course she could always pee in a cup and dip the strip in a bit, but that just kills the joy of all the acrobatics doesn't it? 

Next, stick-in-hand, she'll have to waits for hours to know the result......OK it's three to five minutes, but it feels just like hours, watching and waiting for that all-important, little blue line. It's there!!! It's hugs and kisses for the love of her life and immediately on to the intricate business of obsessing.This happens because from the moment a woman sees that little, blue line she loses the sapiens in Homo sapiens. She is now Homo nuevamammas which, in the evolutionary tree, is as far removed fromHomo sapiens as is Musca domestica.  

Obsessing will make the new Mum-to-be go about doing irrational things: like buying half a dozen more test strips on which she will have to pee, studying each result in different lights and from different angles and going back to the strips hour after hour to make sure they're still positive.  When she's sure that line is there to stay, the doubts will set in: she will go out to get another brand of tests and may not be done until she's tried every brand on every pharmacy counter at least twice, and has become an expert strip-stick pee-er. 

Certain sub-species of Homo nuevamammas will even pop the tests out of their handbags to pore over with their sisters, followed by a lenghty discussion replete with "ifs" and "buts"; or they might even tell their bosom friends just when, where, how often and how they had "done it" and whether, in the ambushed friends' opinions, they had done it well enough for the stick things to be really right.  If you're the guy at the centre of all this, then be thankful if she goes to her friends - the alternative is often the Mum-in-law!  

And no, it doesn't stop there! Mum-to-be will need absolute confirmation from her GP that what "After 10", "Clear Blue" & Co. had already told her repeatedly was right - even though in a couple of weeks she'd be seeing her obstetrician anyway.  Before the doctor's appointment, her partner (or anyone within a 10 mile radius really) will be regularly attacked with extracts from "What to Expect when You're Expecting" and asked whether, in his opinion, she was peeing more often than usual, if her eyes look brighter and what metal really tastes like.  And going in, heart thumping and pee sample-in-bag, to her GP appointment she may stop to ask the pharmacist's opinion....the people sitting in their waiting room seats would possibly also get to know why she was here and why the poor sod, sitting next to her and reduced to looking at the floor and twiddling his thumbs, was with her. Worse still, with certain sub-species of Homo nuevamammas, the coveted, peed-on sticks might actually be produced to show to, and discuss with, complete strangers.

By this time, the guy too will have been doing his bit and will have told his mates at work: "She's pregnant!" - after which they will have undoubtedly shared a beer and a joke about Dad-to-be's virility and continued to talk about football....

To be continued....