Part 2: On Toilet-hugging, Pregnancy Diets and Gorgeous Breasts
By week six her hormones will be partying and it will be starting to show. Now there’s no pleasant way to say this so I’ll be plain: it won’t get better eventually. Things will simply move on to different degrees and different shapes of worse for her and the man in her life. Only, she’ll be getting all the sympathy from everyone, whilst her man will only be getting the occasional dirty look, accompanied with a sometimes stern warning to take care of her.
You may have heard that she’ll probably start waking up at six in the morning, and rush to hug the toilet. You heard wrong! She will probably be in and out of the loo all day, adoring toilets and adorning them with the contents of her stomach. Whoever coined the term ‘morning sickness’ can’t have ever known a pregnant woman, or else he (it can’t have been a woman either) must have had a weird sense of humour. He evidently didn’t know that if pregnancy hormones make one sick, these hormones don’t suddenly take a hike just because it’s ten o’clock or past noon even. It is an all-day sickness which may, at any one point, take the form of anything between vague queasiness, nausea, severe nausea, retching and vomiting.
Oh....and you may have heard that some women don’t get nauseous, but let's face it some people also win the lottery! So all guys who've never picked a winning ticket at Super 5 should keep in mind that chances are they ain’t the lucky kind in picking women either. So take it as fact: she'll have all day sickness.
The nausea will not be, by far, the only problem. All will not be well with the plumbing department, North and South, either: she'll pee every five minutes and seem to feel obliged to have a cry in between each pee. So when he tells her he's prepared chicken for dinner while she was out shopping and off she goes, he'll have to try calming her down with a few hugs and a wary laugh (he'll never know when Hyde is due to come out and snap at him, insensitive lout - who "thinks this is funny because you were never pregnant"…but Jekyll'll be crying, at that point, because she'll have found the perfect caring man, and the wary laugh may not bring him to grievous bodily harm after all). By the time she’s finished crying she'll need her pee…..and the darn chicken will be getting cold.
And on it will go: she'll cry when her friend calls to say she’s going abroad for the weekend, she'll cry when that podgy bitch belonging to her second-cousin-thrice-removed has puppies and every sighting of a babe in arms will seem to set her off the water-works, too. With all the tears, vomiting and the constant peeing it will be a miracle if the woman does not end up dehydrated.
Well-meaning advice will prove another problem. Varying in degrees of sanity, it will issue forth from family members, friends, colleagues at work....casual passers by even.... until the poor lady will either learns to laugh it off or live in continual and mortal terror: don’t carry heavy things, don’t sneeze silently, don’t visit anyone in hospital, don’t drive a car, don’t ride a bus and don’t use a broom. Then there will be the animal don’ts: don’t touch a tortoise - it can give you salmonella, don’t clean after the cat - it can give you toxoplasmosis, don't visit people who have dogs - it might jump at you and give you a start, play it safe with the cat and kick him out. There will also be a whole range of food don’ts, of course: don’t eat big fish - it’s got lead in it, don’t eat ham - it gives you Listeriosis, don’t eat preserves - they contain MSGs, don’t eat soft cheeses - they are also Listeria donors. If you plan a meal in a restaurant it'll be: don’t order the meat - they won’t cook it well enough; don’t order fish - you don’t know how long it’s been there; don’t get the salad - they won’t wash it well enough and it could give you salmonella. Lastly, they'll warn her against salty foods, sugary foods - What the heck is she supposed to survive on, thin air?
The only great thing about life right now will be that her breasts will never have been that gorgeous - which will be frustrating, really, particularly to the man in her life, because they'd have never been no-go areas before, but now even his glancing at them will seem to be off-limits and start her off on one of her ‘you don’t know what it is like’ rants. Her gorgeous breasts ache, it seems.
So instead her man is relegated to warming her feet "darling, because they’re so cold and I'm sooo tired". As he gets up to warm her feet the irony will make him want to laugh, because that would have been the exact, same situation that would have landed them in this predicament in the first place........ back in the days when warming her feet inevitably led to so much more. But now he'll know better than to laugh out loud.
By week six her hormones will be partying and it will be starting to show. Now there’s no pleasant way to say this so I’ll be plain: it won’t get better eventually. Things will simply move on to different degrees and different shapes of worse for her and the man in her life. Only, she’ll be getting all the sympathy from everyone, whilst her man will only be getting the occasional dirty look, accompanied with a sometimes stern warning to take care of her.
You may have heard that she’ll probably start waking up at six in the morning, and rush to hug the toilet. You heard wrong! She will probably be in and out of the loo all day, adoring toilets and adorning them with the contents of her stomach. Whoever coined the term ‘morning sickness’ can’t have ever known a pregnant woman, or else he (it can’t have been a woman either) must have had a weird sense of humour. He evidently didn’t know that if pregnancy hormones make one sick, these hormones don’t suddenly take a hike just because it’s ten o’clock or past noon even. It is an all-day sickness which may, at any one point, take the form of anything between vague queasiness, nausea, severe nausea, retching and vomiting.
Oh....and you may have heard that some women don’t get nauseous, but let's face it some people also win the lottery! So all guys who've never picked a winning ticket at Super 5 should keep in mind that chances are they ain’t the lucky kind in picking women either. So take it as fact: she'll have all day sickness.
The nausea will not be, by far, the only problem. All will not be well with the plumbing department, North and South, either: she'll pee every five minutes and seem to feel obliged to have a cry in between each pee. So when he tells her he's prepared chicken for dinner while she was out shopping and off she goes, he'll have to try calming her down with a few hugs and a wary laugh (he'll never know when Hyde is due to come out and snap at him, insensitive lout - who "thinks this is funny because you were never pregnant"…but Jekyll'll be crying, at that point, because she'll have found the perfect caring man, and the wary laugh may not bring him to grievous bodily harm after all). By the time she’s finished crying she'll need her pee…..and the darn chicken will be getting cold.
And on it will go: she'll cry when her friend calls to say she’s going abroad for the weekend, she'll cry when that podgy bitch belonging to her second-cousin-thrice-removed has puppies and every sighting of a babe in arms will seem to set her off the water-works, too. With all the tears, vomiting and the constant peeing it will be a miracle if the woman does not end up dehydrated.
Well-meaning advice will prove another problem. Varying in degrees of sanity, it will issue forth from family members, friends, colleagues at work....casual passers by even.... until the poor lady will either learns to laugh it off or live in continual and mortal terror: don’t carry heavy things, don’t sneeze silently, don’t visit anyone in hospital, don’t drive a car, don’t ride a bus and don’t use a broom. Then there will be the animal don’ts: don’t touch a tortoise - it can give you salmonella, don’t clean after the cat - it can give you toxoplasmosis, don't visit people who have dogs - it might jump at you and give you a start, play it safe with the cat and kick him out. There will also be a whole range of food don’ts, of course: don’t eat big fish - it’s got lead in it, don’t eat ham - it gives you Listeriosis, don’t eat preserves - they contain MSGs, don’t eat soft cheeses - they are also Listeria donors. If you plan a meal in a restaurant it'll be: don’t order the meat - they won’t cook it well enough; don’t order fish - you don’t know how long it’s been there; don’t get the salad - they won’t wash it well enough and it could give you salmonella. Lastly, they'll warn her against salty foods, sugary foods - What the heck is she supposed to survive on, thin air?
The only great thing about life right now will be that her breasts will never have been that gorgeous - which will be frustrating, really, particularly to the man in her life, because they'd have never been no-go areas before, but now even his glancing at them will seem to be off-limits and start her off on one of her ‘you don’t know what it is like’ rants. Her gorgeous breasts ache, it seems.
So instead her man is relegated to warming her feet "darling, because they’re so cold and I'm sooo tired". As he gets up to warm her feet the irony will make him want to laugh, because that would have been the exact, same situation that would have landed them in this predicament in the first place........ back in the days when warming her feet inevitably led to so much more. But now he'll know better than to laugh out loud.
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