Chav KidsShakira, Sharlize (yep, no one told her mum), Shatayzan and Shamian are cousins: the prized offspring of (the presently pregnant) Suellen and Jesmar and the latter gentleman’s brother Elton who, sad to say, and despite his mum’s vociferous advice to the contrary, had settled for Pamela after the failure of his first marriage.
None of the kids knows what their mum really looks like: Suellen and Pamela haven’t washed their eye make-up off entirely since some time in 1998, although they do add a daily layer of black liner of course. Suellen’s hair is a most delicious ten different shades of orange, red and purple. Pamela is a peroxide blonde, boasting inch-proud black roots. The kids’ dads live in jeans sitting just below their belly. Their jeans size is still the same as it was in 1998: sadly though their belly isn’t: so the lot is kept in place with a belt whose buckle would put Mintoff’s horse to shame.
Proud to be like Daddy, Shatayzan and Shamian have been wearing earrings since they turned two. The earrings were their second best gift ever, following thebrazzuletta tad-deheb they’d each got from Nanna Doris on their Christening. Nanna Doris, let it be said, does not have favourites, even though Pamela is a ċerċura and a stain on an otherwise impeccable family portfolio (for one never speaks of Uncle Joe as one of the family, and Nanna’s sister, Censa, doesn’t count either because she married an English sailor, and anyone who knows anything can tell you there was no other way things could have gone after ... Oh well, anyway Censa doesn’t count either and nor do Pamela’s mum and dad of course). Back to those brazzuletti and Nanna Dor not having favourites ... Granted, Shamian’s brazzuletta is some half a kilo heavier than his cousin’s, but that was just an unfortunate coincidence. Mind you, it HAD nearly been the cause of Pamela choking Doris in it once and it had, on more than one occasion, caused both estimable ladies to behave ċerċura-ish, but that’s a closed chapter now ... well, kind of.
Today the little treasures are at the playground with Uncle Dylan (pronounced ‘Dijjlan’ of course). Uncle Dij’s more interested in nibbling the multi-perforated ear-lobe of his girl, Chanelle, than minding the kids but he’s still man enough to regularly interrupt his love-making with warnings to the kids. Said warnings involve very frequent mention of semen which one day, when (and if) Shamian and Shatayzan learn the function of semen in the circle of life, will make them wonder why it was such an obsession with Uncle Dijj ... and Mum now that we think about it ... and Dad ... and Nanna Doris especially when she spoke of Auntie Pamela. Anyway when mention of semen and all other swear-words are edited out, Uncle Dylan is basically saying that if they misbehaved he’d tell their Mum who’d be sure to break every bone in their body and, once done, make them swallow their chin.
Completely non-perplexed by the chin-swallowing threat, the kids rush to the monkey bars: Shamian and Shatayzan are hanging upside down in seconds. Sharlize and Shakira have met Kayleigh from school and the three are admiring each others’ dress sense (or lack thereof). Shakira grabs her miniscule bum, barely hidden beneath a fuscia mini skirt, girates it and screams: ‘Ara kemm jien seksi hijjjj!’. Seconds later, Shamian lands from the monkey bars on top of her head. She interjects her subsequent cries with expressions so fluently colourful and involving mention of so much semen, male ‘private parts’ and female ‘private parts’ (as well as how each would be related to an ass or so of course) that one nearly imagines Uncle Dijj would cheer. But instead Chanelle rises to the surface blue-faced from some deep throat probing to do the right thing and try to out-shout both kids with fresh reminders about being made to swallow their chins. Bad day for Chanelle to have taken a day off really but how was she to know, when she'd booked it, that today was the kids’ Parents’ Day?
In fact, at this very minute, Suellen’s multi-coloured coiffure and Pamela’s blonde mane are gracing the corridors of the kids’ school. Pamela’s dying to go in to give the teacher a good talking-to: all Shatayzan had ever done was miss school a couple of days. It can’t have been more than two times so far this month: once when they went to look at that new washing machine, and the next day to that, because they hadn’t found the right washing machine on day one ... who does anyway? Then there was the other day that he’d just woken up late, miskin ...…then, of course, last Tuesday was his father’s birthday ...…and the weekend before they’d been away on a weekend break, so it’s not like they could have helped having the boy miss Friday and Monday could they?
Meanwhile Suellen’s loudly telling anyone who cares to listen that if she heard one word, but one, single word, against her kids they’d be swallowing their chin this evening. She was determined, her kids wouldn’t turn out like her, even if she had to beat them black and blue every evening to make sure of that. No one bothers to try and suggest that her method of dealing with the problem will hardly help much. She’s been waiting so long, that Suellen’s ski pants are starting to make her upper thighs itch, which is maddening because it’s difficult to discreetly reach below her denim mini-skirt to scratch a bit, especially with her seven month plus bump.
Back in the playing-field Chanelle and Uncle Dylan seem to have become completely oblivious of the children’s existence, and the children's screams, squeals and oaths of alternating delight and wrath continue to evidence their gene pool in the playground.
The casual observer is left to wonder on the twin effect of nature and nurture in landing the next generation in the same rut as the old.
***
Ten years down the line a sixteen-year-old, heavily pregnant Sharlize is on the phone with Shakira. She pulls her ski pants into a more comfortable position over her thong and listens closely to what Shakira is saying. If anyone, Shakira - at 18 already proud mother of Corbin and Kelton - should know all about the misery of piles in late pregnancy. As the TV drones on in the background, Suellen’s in the kitchen heating up Shamian’s supper because both he and Charlon - (probably) the father of the sprog on the way - would arrive any minute now. Suellen thanks God there’s some overtime on the assembly line of Methode this month. The family badly needs the money, especially now that Jesmar’s been laid off. She’s long since stopped trying to figure out how, despite her efforts, her kids ended up school drop-outs and, if anything, somewhat of a bigger mess than she was.
Sharlize wades into the kitchen and stops in front of the television. They’re talking about social mobility on Xarabank (yep, it’s still around), but she assumes social mobility’s some disease you get when you’re 70 or something; she rationalizes she has no reason to learn about it as yet. So she switches channel.
***
But let's take one last look at the present ...fast forward to Parents' Day' ... the look on Shatayzan’s teacher’s face as Pamela leaves the room tells us that it doesn’t seem too likely he’ll be trying to coax the boy to come to school more regularly in the future. And judging by the look on Suellen’s face as she leaves the school, it seems like Shakira and Shamian are having chins for dinner this evening ...
Yes, Parents’ Day has done lots of good for these four kids this year!
Editor's note: The characters in this article are purely fictitious. Any similarities to any person(s), living or dead, are purely coincidental. The article is meant as a vivid, if humorous, description of the problems which afflict people of a very specific socio-economic back-ground, much to their obvious oblivion. It plays around the fact that people who happen to exist within this socio-economic group find it extremely difficult to recognise and lift themselves out of their plight and make their situation any better. One generation gives rise to, and brings up, another generation without much change. The only hope is education but even then, education is generally spurned or misunderstood. It is hoped that an interesting discussion of the social problems faced by this group will follow.
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